Split Enz has a beef with history.
"History never repeats." - Split EnzSplit Enz, of course, is a band we left behind in the 20th Century, proving that maybe its song has a point.
But for every Split Enz, there's something else that we still have to deal with that should've been taken care of years ago. As the Cranberries (another band we've left behind, I hope) once said, "Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?"
No, you don't have to let it linger, Cranberries. In fact, maybe we all have a duty to try to intervene to stop certain things from lingering. If you don't believe me, just watch the Back to the Future films.
If we can't take care of this stuff, how will we ever have floating cars, robot butlers, and giant domes protecting our cities from alien attacks?
1. Actor/singers - I thought we were done with the actor/singer phenomenon when we finished with Minnie Driver, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, and Jennifer Lopez - but just when you think it's safe to visit iTunes again, up pop Scarlett Johansen, Jamie Foxx, and Juliette Lewis.
William Shatner, however: keep on keeping on!
2. Litter - Cigarette butts outside RRC, empty beverage containers strewn along Corydon, random stuff tossed from cars, broken bottles under children's feet, bodies strewn across the dead-end street. If we can't stop ourselves from the most basic insult to the environment - chucking our crap on the ground because we don't want to carry it a block - how will we crack global warming?
3. Self absorption - I'm sorry, what was I talking about here? I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the computer screen and was momentarily distracted by my wonderous beauty.
4. Crappy mainstream movies - While TV keeps getting better and better, mainstream movies keep getting crappier and crappier, right Mudflap and Skids? No more robots, explosions, car chases, wisecracking buddies, or villains bent on world domination, please - unless you're District 9, in which case: more of all of the above.
5. Plastic surgery as a beauty aid - Does growing old gracefully really mean having that puffy, plasticky look of constant surprise? Mary Tyler Moore and Joan Rivers paved the way, Jessica Lange and Meg Ryan followed, and now even a supposed regular guy like Billy Crystal has plastic surgery. As Greg Proops once said of Mary Tyler Moore: "Sure, she looks young. Like the youngest raptor in all Jurassic Park."
6. Ads before movies - There are some places where advertising doesn't work: before movies is one of them. I just paid $50 for a bag of popcorn and a drink: do I really need to watch ads now too?
7. Smoking on patios - It's unsafe for me to inhale second-hand smoke inside, but not on a patio? This beautiful, sunny day is sponsored by Lucky Strike!
8. Cell phone conversations/text messaging during movies - For all that's right and good and decent in the world, let's block those cell phone signals in movie theatres already.
9. Mariah Carey - A post-Glitter Mariah Carey? Who would've thunk it?
10. Outrageously expensive concert tickets - $240 to see Dane Cook? I saw Cook at the Pyramid Cabaret in the front row for $15 no more than a handful of years ago when he was still hilarious. Now he's not as funny and...the prices go up? Who knew that price and hilarity are inversely related?
11. Rudeness disguised as "just being honest" - It's only OK to insult and demean others on the grounds of "just being honest" if you're also willing to listen to what others think of you in return. Just being honest!
12. U2 - I knew "Pride (in the Name of Love)" U2, and "Get on Your Boots" is no "Pride (in the Name of Love)."
13. Lists - Especially ones about things we should've been done with last century.
Great post Kenton! Nice to see a return to cheeky commentary.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on your list:
1) If only we could rid ourselves of actor/singers. But as long as there are actors with big egos that employ great agents, these horrible vanity projects will continually be churned out like raw sewage from a Russian factory.
2) Litter is nothing but a reflection of our me-centric world. I would also extend this to recycling issues as well. Bizarrely enough, at my apartment building we have a couple large recycling bins outside, yet you can routinely find people that will bring their recycling down, then throw it into the garbage. What? You took the time to keep it all seperate, rode the elevator down, went outside, and then just threw it in the regular bin. It just doesn't compute.
3) As I said before, we live in a me-centric world. Now excuse me, I have to go look at myself in the mirror.
4) Crappy movies aren't the problem. It's the people who go see them! If people would stop supporting such horrible shite, Hollywood might stop greenlighting movies like Saw 12, Eddie Murphy playing six character movies, and all remakes.
6) I remember hearing that those commercials before movies kept the prices down for moviegoers, and for awhile it was believable. If you recall, back in say 1999 or 2000 we were paying $13 for a movie ticket. Then they started advertising during the previews and the ticket prices dropped to something like $7 or $8. But like all things, the prices have crept back up.
8, 9, 11... all me-centric again. Meme meme meme meeeeee!
12) If only U2 could say they sold their soul for rock & roll. But alas, they already sold it to the devil and Blackberry.
Your commentary is always great! They're genius posts in and of themselves...
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kenton. It is a little ridiculous sometimes though because my comments are almost as long as the original post.
ReplyDeleteMust... be... brief...
Brevity is to Wade as kryponite is to Superman.
I have an irrational hatred of Mariah Carey. Every time I see a photo of her, I get this angry voice in my head that says, "Rarrgh! Why do you think you're so attractive? You have a gigantic face! I hate your big face!". Annnnndd so forth...
ReplyDelete