The secret to eternal youth and everlasting life is arrrgghhhhh...

I've been meaning to share the secret to eternal youth and everlasting life with you, but haven't got around to it until today; it's hard to find the time for the real important stuff, ya know.

If any harm has befallen you while you've been waiting for this info, I offer you a humble apology, hearty handshake, and lemon tree, in that order.

On a recent visit to my doctor, he very helpfully broke down what I - and all men, apparently - should be doing in order to live forever; it's as enlightening as it is a depressing indictment of spices, coffee, tea, beer, distilled spirits, and sody pop.

Nooooooooo, not sody pop!

He was nice enough to write it down for me on an educational brochure about maintaining your health (see above photo), which - if you're a man - heavily involves making sure your prostate is in the best, possible condition to be all that it can be.

Because I'm told that if you're a man who lives in a sub-zero climate, the cold will quite literally creep up your arse and slowly kill you. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but I'm sure that's what the good doctor was telling me in his own, delicate way.

The secret, broken down

So, here is the secret to eternal youth and everlasting life, as written by my doctor under the helpful headlines of "worse" and "better." Results may vary. Don't base life decisions based on this blog. Reading this may cause hair loss and some sexual side effects. Etc, etc, etc.

Worse
Caffeine (coffee, tea, and pop)
Booze (rye, beer)
No sex
Cold temperatures
Spices
Stress
Showering

Better
No caffeine
No booze
Sex
Heat
Bathing
No stress

We all know that it's impossible to have sex without booze or stress, so there's a very real possibility that this whole thing may be an elaborate joke.

Over to you, Billy Joel: