Goodbye to the World Cup and the funny Brit with the runny nose

Goodbye World Cup.

Goodbye drinking beer in the morning because it's "late in South Africa."

Goodbye wry British commentator with the runny nose.

If today's World Cup final was a little anticlimactic in terms of goals scored, the beer and commentary were - as they say in England - spot on.

The dry and wry commentary from British sports commentator John Helm - the voice of the international World Cup broadcasts - was especially full of piss, vinegar, quips, and sniffles; never has a commentator with so many allergies worked so hard to inform and entertain so many.

(See yesterday's post about the Brits winning the World Cup of Sports Commentary.)

So, in tribute to Helm, I wrote down some of his best quips and comments from today's World Cup final in the order he called them.

For extra fun, read these out loud and take a great, big sniffle between each one:

First half:

• "Who needs Batman when you've got Robben?"

• "It's all very cagey, isn't it?"

• "If the Dutch score first, Spain will be in a bit of a bother."

• "A lot of dashing hither and thither."

• "Not a great deal of quality."

• "The word "scrappy" springs to mind at the moment."

• "The referee, I reckon, is the busiest man out there."

• "A feast of the best in football it is not."

• "Let's not blow this up into too big of a drama."

• "You do expect finer football."

• "He's been told to stay away. I don't think he will."

• "We're laden with free kicks and whistles."

• "Sort it out or you'll be next in my bad books."

• "The only person worried there was the photographer."

• "Wish they would have given us a little more to talk about in this first half."

• "One hopes that this final can only get better."

• "Let's take a breather and start again."

Second half:

• "Pushing like two people trying to get on the last Tube at night."

• "Wouldn't want to see that in a park on Sunday, let alone a World Cup."

• "For one of these teams, tonight will be the night of their lives. In the football sense, anyway."

• "It was a big dipper, which didn't dip enough."

• "Robben is a sinner instead of a saint."

• "Ooooh: hare's breath!"

• "The big boys are up for it!"

• "There was a five-man tangerine wall in the way."

• "Bewildering passing."

• "He needs a new lucky headband."

• "Can I have my ball, please?"

• "He's asked to resume his seat in Japanese."

• "It was not a telling ball, it was a wayward one."

• "No greyhound on Earth could get to that."

• "He took my shirt."

• "Have they got enough Dutch courage to save it?"

Overtime:

• "A little dink from him."

• "He's a big flamenco fan."

• "It's quite late, really. Past my bedtime."

• "That would've made headlines of biblical proportions."

• "Super little run from a super little player."

• "Crumpled bodies in a heap."

• "He may never play in a bigger match, no matter how long he lives."

• "Goodness knows how many cards for the Dutch. I need a computer."

• "Torres pulled a hamstring. He's got 30 seconds to survive."

• "Desolation for the Dutch."

• "Viva la Espana for the first time ever!"

Helm.