Ten great ways to stand out at an interview, mofo

 

Outstanding in his own dreams. 

"I got an interview but they didn't hire me. What happened?"

Glad you asked! When you go to an interview, you should aim be like Kevin Costner on the Field of Dreams movie poster: you should wear a white T-shirt, blue jeans, brown loafers, and stand in front of a backdrop of corn husks.

And you should following these 10 simple interview rules (for dating my teenage daughter):

Before the interview

1. Go to the company's Facebook page, and click "Like" until your mouse stops working.

At the interview

2. Refuse to answer any of the interviewer's question without first consulting your Magic 8 Ball.

3. Ask the interviewer to punch you in the stomach as hard as she can.

4. Ask if there's also a position for your imaginary manservant, Fritz.

5. When they ask you, "Why do you want to work here?" Say: "I don't know. I'm a loser?"

6. Say the word muthafucka as often as possible, muthafucka.

7. Strip to your gitch and demand a complete patdown.

8. Bring along a cheese sandwich to the interview. Take a big bite of the sandwich when the interviewer stops speaking and speak only for as long as it takes you to chew and swallow one bite.

After the interview

9. The minute you leave the interview, be sure to tweet the interviewer a thank-you Weiner.

10. For the next month, answer your phone by shouting "When do I start?!"